Took Me Long Enough

I have literally been sitting here all day thinking about how I was going to write this particular post, what I was going to say ....until I have actually given myself a bit of a headache. I always sit back and watch groups of women at the mall, a couple of friends who are out to grab a bite to eat, girlfriends catching a movie, and I would get SO jealous I couldn't stand it! I didn't think it was fair that someone could share a friendship like that, share such a closeness with another person....because I NEVER have. I was always that girl in school who sat by herself at lunch because I didn't have a friend. I was never popular, in fact I was pretty much invisible. I was "THAT" girl that would sit at home on the weekends, while everyone else was at the mall, or football games...because I didn't have a friend to go anywhere with. I would watch these girls my age, how they would laugh and joke around with each other...how they would tell each other " I love You" like it was easy as pie. They'd walk hand in hand, or hug each other when one of their girlfriends seemed a bit down. Can you believe I have never had anyone but family hug me? "Truth be told" While all I could do was just sit back and watch, and desperately wish for a friend of my own. I always wanted a friend that I could have a closeness to, someone that I could talk to just about anything. Someone that I could be myself with, that would accept me for who I am and wouldn't care about my flaws. I"ve always had a problem when it came to meeting people, mostly because I felt that if "I" didn't like what I saw on the outside, or inside for that matter...why would anybody else. I had a few so called "friends" throughout my school years, but it never really left the classroom sadly. In my adult life, any friendship that I had...wasn't a friendship at all. It was nothing more than me getting used for something I had that someone else needed. A place to stay, my car, I think you can get the picture. I blame alot of my past issues & problems w/ substance abuse on the fact that I was a VERY needy individual. I would have done just about anything to gain what I thought was the love of a friend. We all know that this story always has a bad ending don't we? YES! I've been used,abused, and confused more times than I even care to remember. Loneliness is not just a feeling people, loneliness is an actual place. Once you get there it is very difficult to leave. I've spent many many years in that place called loneliness, and I am just now seeing a beacon of light at the end of one very dark tunnel. I have spent loads of time on these social networking sights like Myspace,Facebook,Twitter. We all know how they work, and if you don't trust me you're probably better off honestly. I've chatted and talked with loads of people from all over the world, people that shared alot of my same interests or people that were as different to me as night was to day. I've learned alot too about all the different places I could only hope to be able to travel to one day. Mostly though, these sites can tend to be just one big waste of time...that is unless you find "support groups" like I have on both Twitter and Facebook. There are support groups for almost everything imaginable on these sites, you wouldn't believe it. I mean, you have to be really careful and use EXTREME caution when dealing with people at first, because you never truly know who in the world you are actually talking to. You could think that you were talking to a nice elderly woman, and you could possibly be talking to an inmate at a state prison. Which is why I try and talk to someone in a group setting for the longest, before I'll actually even consider emailing privately back and forth. You'll have to excuse me, I'm sitting here laughing at myself over what I had just said. That whole "talking to someone in a group setting" first before emailing privately, blah blah blah...yeah that one. I'm laughing because oddly enough, for me just once I didn't stick to my guns so to speak. I am so thankful that I didn't too!!!! Let me explain why.....
I had been using twitter for awhile then, and had met..when I say met I mean I had been talking to, not actually, physically meeting anyone. Ok? Are we clear? Kapeesh? So, I had met a few people that also live everyday with chronic illness like myself. That's a blessing let me tell you, to be able to connect with someone that understands your pain, your frustration, and someone that can compare notes with you. There are alot of things that I didn't know about my illnesses before I started using Twitter, but I was able to learn through talking with so many other women. Men too! I don't know why I was always under the misconception that one of my illnesses was only female related, ignorance is what it was. It was interesting to listen and learn how these illnesses affected everyone elses lives....through talking to people you can't help but to start building some sort of a "friendship" so to speak. You talked to each other almost daily, you emailed one another...and if you didn't hear from someone it was just like missing a friend I imagine. I imagine only because I have never truly had a friend to miss in the first place..I know I'm sorry I am so depressing. I promise this is about to get better, it does have a happy ending!  Well, one of these people that I happened to be talking to was a woman who was just "sailing across the waters" as she liked to put it. I don't know how to explain it other than by saying that we "connected" pretty quickly.  She has a strong belief in God just like I do, she was an animal lover..which anyone that knows me (previous post, HELLO!!!!!) knows that I live & breathe animals. Least important was that she also was affected by chronic illness, which did NOT define her at all as a person, it just gave us one more thing which we shared in common and could relate to each other on. We just ended up talking back and forth alot, finally exchanging telephone numbers. I KNOW RIGHT!!! CAUTION!!!STOP!!!! It wasn't like that though, I didn't feel the least bit uneasy about giving her my number at all. Funny thing was though, she always left it up to me as to when to actually make that 1st phone call. You have to admit, even if you actually get to "physically" meet a person, I think the 1st time you talk on the phone can tend to be awkward. Don't ask me why, that's just the way it is. Well, me being a big chicken...being very insecure (YES, still am but trying to work on it ok?) I wasn't ready to call her at all, so all I did for the longest it seemed was text message her every now and then. This is starting to sound like some horrible dating story gone wrong! LOL! Anyway, I finally got up the nerve to call her one night..and it was like we had known each other for years! I didn't feel any of that insecure nervous energy that I did before, I just felt like it was a friend I talked to everyday. Her & I also like to send each other cards or letters back and forth, we haven't been doing it long at all...but to me there's just something more personal about snail mail. I love to go to the mailbox and find a letter in it addressed to me, who doesn't right?!  Point of this long drawn out story is....I finally feel that I have a TRUE FRIEND! This may seem silly to those of you reading this, but to me who was once "THAT" girl who never had friends, this is a big deal. I have opened up to her about things that I haven't told anyone else, and I am not one that easily opens up about my "personal" business. I was surprised at myself for even doing this blog, that's how much I keep stuff shut up inside.  For once I feel like there's someone I can call if I'm having a bad day, or I feel like crying. Funny, but I know she'll be there. While I hope to meet her one day, that doesn't mean that I think of our friendship as being different than that of someone who might live just right down the road. I really don't think it's any different than two friends who happen to live in different states, that call or write one another until they get a chance to visit. Right? I believe in God, I believe in prayer, I believe that God listens and answers prayer...and I believe that he answered mine. While it might seem like a small thing to anyone else, in 35 yrs of life..I have NEVER until now known what having a true friend was actually like.  I just am grateful for what I do have, and I want to say
TINA, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING MY FRIEND! YOU MENDED THAT BROKEN HEART OF THAT LITTLE GIRL DEEP INSIDE OF ME, THAT LITTLE GIRL WHO NEVER KNEW WHAT IT WAS LIKE TO HAVE A FRIEND.
Lets make a toast to our friendship, and to all the laughs we'll have, and the memories that we'll make.



Here's my dear friend herself, isn't she adorable?