I do think however I will take at least this post to talk a little about my illnesses, just so people have a better sense of who I am and what I go through daily. I call this my personal "Recipe for Disaster", one is not so bad...but you put all of them together and it can't help but to go BOOM!
The BIGGEST one for me I guess out of them all I would have to say is my neuropathy, well it's called "peripheral neuropathy" or sometimes called "diabetic neuropathy"...I just call it PAIN. I have been "diagnosed" with it since 2007, but I can almost bet my butt that I had it years before that. I can remember how bad my feet would burn, oh my gosh how they would burn. I used to work alot on my feet, I have only had 1 or 2 jobs at a desk. So being up constantly up on my feet was like living a nightmare. It sometime feels like I have this wet piece of paper stuck to the bottom of my foot, but when I turn it over to look of course there's nothing there. To try and put a pair of socks on my feet is killer! Luckily my mom had run across these socks at Wally World (Walmart) over in the Foot Care section by pharmacy, that are supposedly infused with aloe. They could be infused with anything as far as I'm concerned, all I know is they feel heavenly against my skin. They are so soft, and it doesn't hurt when they brush my skin...like a regular cotton sock would. Just imagine people how that would feel to not be able to have even your bed sheets touch the skin of your feet without yelping in pain...it sucks! I haven't worn an actual pair of shoes, real shoes in over a year. Honest! When I go out to the doctors office, grocery shopping, or out to eat somewhere you will look down and find me in a pair of fuzzy slippers, probably some bright funky color too! *cracks up laughing* Yeah I get the looks and the stares but that's ok because I can stare back just as good as they can, and if they make a rude comment well...that's what God gave me my mouth for, to use it right?! I can just picture my mom in my head right now...cringing, and yanking me by the arm through the store because she knows that I'm about to say something smart to someone. Well, dammit they made the rude insensitive remark first. How about they sit back and think first that maybe that person wearing those bright fuzzy slippers might have a damn good reason for doing so! You know? I can remember times, before I found this neurologist that I have now..I would lay in bed and scream the pain was so bad. I'm not joking when I say scream either, I mean blood curdling screams...to the point where my mom would have to come in and rock me like a little child. That's how upset I had gotten myself, out of shear pain and panic. I just had reached my limit, I do not have a very high threshold...and I was way over that threshold then. Sometimes I would sit in the recliner & just rock all night long, because the pain wouldn't allow me to sleep..there's just something about rocking that is soothing. Does anyone else agree? I bet someone does. Oh, then there were the shower incidents! OMG! Sometimes I would have to go several days without a shower because just the water running across my foot was agonizing. These things might seem hard to believe for some people, but honey let me tell you...this crap couldn't be any more real! You would think that a hot bath or shower would help to aleviate someones pain, not this chick. It literally felt like little knives were slicing thru my skin as the water ran across my foot...oh I'm so glad this neurologist that I see now has my pain "managed" finally. I had spent over a year with a quack at a pain management clinic who I will do a whole blog about, because that's another story entirely. Anyway, after seeing her that long I was a mess....my pain was out of control, all I was doing was chasing the pain anyway, plus she had me on a medicine that I repeatedly told her was making me sick! UGH! Ok, my neuro listens...I mean he really listens. He ran tons of bloodwork, did the MRI's, CAT scans, EMG's, and finally he put me on 30mg ms contin every 8 hrs. The Ms Contin is extended release which I didn't think would work, but honey it is working! Plus he started me on Topomax for my migraines, which for some odd reason is helping me with pain & taking away my appetite! YAY! So between the Ms Contin, and the 30mg tramadol I take three times a day also I am G-R-E-A-T! The tramadol basically is for breakthrough pain, alot of times I don't even need it.
Anyway, I also am a FIBROMITE. YES, I am yet another that battles this nasty illness that has no cure. I was "diagnosed" or better yet, told that I had fibromyalgia around 2009 I think? I don't quite remember, I didn't even know what in the world it was when the doctor even suggested that I could possibly have this. I remember how he checked all the pinpoint locations on my body and asked me loads of questions but other than that there is no official test yet for fibro. Personally I think that can be a very bad thing, NO that IS a very bad thing. Think about it this way...that is probably why alot, and I mean alot, quite frankly the majority of people get denied their disability if it is based on fibro. They're basically looking at people and saying that anyone can say that they hurt at these specific "key points" and then claim to have fibromyalgia. In a way I can understand their reasoning, but then again I AM a fibromyalgia sufferer so I think that it is unfair. I so wish that there was some sort of testing that could give a more accurate diagnosis, at least for those of us who are relying on getting disability right? I thank God that I did get approved for disability, I have been on it since 2008. Believe me, it's NOT much...and I find it quite offensive that our nations government thinks that someone can live or survive off of what we collect. Don't get me started down this road, because I could go on and on about what I personally witness at "my" local social services office, or food banks, etc. ALl I am saying is take care of your's first America! Ok enough said, *giggles* when it comes to my fibro, I am still learning what IS or ISN'T a symptom of fibro. Sometimes I get confused between my fibro symptoms verses the neuropathy symptoms...they have some similar ones. I know with me personally, I find most of my fibro pain is in my upper shoulders. I have had alot of trouble with aching and an almost cramping like pain. It bothers me most normally in the wee hours of the morning when I am usually deep in sleep, oops...thanks to fibro I am then wide awake. It'll make it to where I can't get comfortable, I flop from side to side, front to back and finally just giving up and I'll get up. Another thing that I don't know if it's fibro related or not is that, whenever my hands get put in water...afterwards they will turn ice cold. I mean ICE cold, so bad that I have to wear gloves around the house on a daily basis. Not only do they just get ice cold, but they will cramp up so bad and get so stiff that I can barely even open my fingers. That to tell you the truth kind of scares me, I know I have osteosathritis in my feet and hands...but I don't believe that is what's causing this to happen. I have mentioned this to all my doctors and so far not one of them seems to know what the cause could be. I'm the funny looking chick out there in the summer, my goodness...wearing bright fuzzy slippers and gloves, in the heat of the summer. It really is awful what we have to go through..those of us who battle with chronic illness. This life isn't one I would wish on anyone, NOT even my worst enemies. I am still not used to all the discrimination, I mean I talk a good game, I'll mouth off if someone makes a rude comment or something along those lines...but deep down inside, peoples looks,stares and gestures really do hurt. I never once imagined when I was younger that at 35 years old I would need to use the electric scooters in the stores, because I wouldn't be able to feel my feet enough to walk. Or that I have fainting and dizzy spells so often, that it isn't safe for me to walk around really. I try to walk as much as I can, just because I need the exercise, and I want to move. I just would love to get out there and walk until I couldn't walk anymore! Ha! I'd probably only make it up to my mailbox! *tee hee*
You know another struggle that I deal with everyday? This type 2 diabetes! I'll tell you it's horrible! I know that I need to stay away from the foods that are high in carbs or sugars, try and eat more lean meats and lots of veggies..and eat fresh fruit. I know all of this, so then why in the world do I not do it then?! I know I'm FAT and need to loose weight desperately, but yet I still refuse to eat the way I am supposed to. It is honestly like I am secretly trying to sabatoge myself! I always use the same excuse over and over too, at first I didn't believe it, but now I have even made MYSELF believe this nonsense. I will eat say a handful of chocolate or something like a bag of chips, and I will come out and say that I have no enjoyment in my life,so if this makes me happy just let me do it dammit! This is what I'll say to my mom when she'll get on me about the sugar intake, after I have told her..."whatever it takes, do NOT buy me anymore chocolate. No matter what I tell you, don't do it". Then a 1/2 an hour later I'm asking her to pick me up a bag of M&M'S! UGH! What is wrong w/ me?! Why am I doing this to myself?! I know I am diabetic and this is dangerous but I can't stop! I know that I am a recovering drug addict, YES people WOO HOO surprise I used to have a substance abuse problem. It's almost like I traded in one drug for this, like I turned away the coccaine for sweets. Now sweets are my drug of choice that I cannot say no to or stop myself from eating. I am such a messed up individual! I know when I go on these chocolate binges that it definately has to irritate my neuropathy, and I wouldn't be surprised if it irritated my fibro too. I am just slowly killing myself aren't I? You know what I wish? I wish that I had a buddy that lived out here where I live, that could exercise daily with me. Maybe I could get a membership to a gym or something, but having no license, no car...presents a problam. Cannot drive with nerve damage in my feet so let license go ;-( So having a friend w/ a car would definately be a plus, but I really would love to not only have that friend with the car, I would love to find a friend that lived close that struggled with weight like I do, that could be that "get up & go get 'em" person I need around me. You know, that friend that wouldn't let me talk my way out of going to the gym, or who I could call no matter what time it was..when I'm sitting in my bedroom drooling & playing Russian Roulette with a Snickers, "Do I eat it, Do I Not eat it" Ok so I ate it! I didn't have "that" friend, so there! That would just be nice for me to have, I have a great friend named Tina, who has been a great support to me and makes me feel positive about myself..only thing is she lives in another state, actually a couple states away. Otherwise I'd kidnap her & I'd be perfect! *warm hugs for Tina...aw <3 *
So lets see, besides my neuropathy, my fibro, my type 2 diabetes, I have osteoarthritis...that only bothers me when my feet get really cold. Then I can't seem to even wiggle my toes at all. My primary physician discovered that I have a problem w/ my thyroid so I am on medication for that and between that and my migraine medication Topomax I am shedding pounds but not as fast as I'd like. Oh I almost forgot...I sometimes unfortunately suffer from this crap that doctors like to call dystonic reactions. I have had them twice due to medications I was given that my body did not react nicely to at all, and 3 more times at home I experienced them just out of the blue and my doctors can still not figure out why. So nice when even your doctors don't know what in the hells wrong with you isn't it? My muscles basically lock up, and some of them go into almost like convulsions. I look like I'm having almost like a seizure, only it's not a seizure. Pretty picture right? EHHHHH! NOT! I have this thingy with my heart called Hypertrophic Cardiomyopathy. Basically so you can understand it, theres parts of my hearts muscle that are thicker than they should be, and my left ventricle is also thicker and moderately impaired. So, it can sometimes mess around a little with my hearts electrical signals and stuff....but NOT to worry I'm here to stay and NOT going anywhere. I know my estranged husband if he's reading this probably just spit his coffee out all over his morning paper, YES DEAR I'm alive, and tickin'! Roflmao. Other than that, the only other health issue that I am dealing with is a condition known as PCOS. Polycystic ovary syndrome, basically that is why I'm not a mommy. :-( Many, many women deal with this health issue so it is good to know that I am not the only one. It's a HUGE cause of infertility in women and it's a very hard subject for me to get into, because I have always wanted to be a mother more than anything...but that's another topic,for another day. Last but not least...I have bipolar disorder type 1. I never like to say I AM bipolar, because bipolar does NOT define me, it is just something that I struggle with just like all the other things I deal with. PTSD also was diagnosed around the same time that I was diagnosed as having bipolar disorder...and later on throughout my posts, you will come to learn more about how and why I suffer with PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder).
Goodness have I bored anyone yet?!
Toodles
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