A Quick Update

I really had not even considered writing another post until at least after the Christmas holiday just because everything is so busy this time of year.Then on the other hand, I really would like to give everyone an update on what has been going on lately in my life "health wise". not that I didn't have enough to deal with already right?

Well, I ended up going to see the woman who will now be my new neurologist. She is still a partner in the same practice where I have been treatIed now for I'd say 6mons., she is just a different neurologist than who had treated me previously. Which by the way, I cannot tell you how sad I was to learn that "my" neuro was transferring out of the practice. He had done more for
me in those last 6 months, then other doctors had done in 2 years. He was 1 of the first and only doctors to actually listen. Anyway I went into this doctor expecting nothing different, just thinking it was going to be my average everyday appointment... how ever it was anything but. I was finally given answers to questions I had asked ages ago, and better yet....I finally had a name to put on the face of this horribly painful "condition" that I had been battling with & suffering through all alone. I now had a diagnosis, now I could actually know what is wrong with me. I have "Reynauds Phenomenon". The next "BIG" thing to ask would be, WTF is this lovely thing called "Reynauds Phenomenon". It was A LOT of information to soak in all at once, but from what I "think" I understand so far it is mostly vascular. As soon as all the hustle & bustle of the holidays is over, I plan on doing my own research on this. I not only want, but I need to learn all about how this disorder works. Hopefully, there are things that I can do to lesson the symptoms. Most of minen affect me the most whenever I shower...just something about the water hitting my hands sets it off. The water can actually be scalding mhot,but to me...my hands feel like they're absolutely freezing. You know, I just sat here and realized that about a month ago at this same neurology office....I had the "head" physician, administer an ENG or "nerve conduction study" and was told that all this discomuro did start me on a trial run on a medicine called verapamil. She told me it's a blood pressure med but somehow works to help relieve the symptoms of Reynauds. I've had a week or so's doses and notice no difference...but am hoping that it's one that has to build up in your system.

The other bit of exciting news I have for everyone is that I finally got my "shower chair"! Ta-Da! *crowd cheers* For those of you that know me, you know how I have a serious issue w/syncope. That is just unexplained fainting...you'd think my doctors would have figured it out but no such luck. Most of my dizzy spells or a lot of them happen when I'm in the shower. Thanks to this nations great healthcare called "medicare" they had made it damn near impossible to even get a bath aide. Sad thing is, medicare does NOT cover ANY type of bath aide...which in itself irritates the living beejezzes out of me! Disabled individuals like myself barely make any $ on social security and/or ssi, and to top it off we have to sit back & listen to those at medicare as well as medicaid tell us a bath aide is yet one more thing not covered, yet one more thing that will have to come out of pocket. Sad too, because I imagine A LOT of disabled individuals out here have actually injured themselves because they don't have a "bath aide" available, and I think it's a crime this country allows this to happen. Anyway....I am elated that I am finally able to bathe w/out relying on someone to watch over me so I don't fall, having my privacy back. Something as simple as taking a bath so many people take for granted, but I for one am grateful my mother was kind enough to out of her own pocket, purchase a shower chair for me. Taking a bath is a luxury for some like me.....O:-) 

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The Holidays DON'T Come From A Store!

Once again, the Holidays are upon us folks...and what can I say about the holidays?

I remember the holiday season as a child, that will ALWAYS hold a special place in my heart, and the memories will never fade. It will always feel as if it was "just yesterday" to me....they were such "magical" moments as a child. The holidays always began of course with Thanksgiving, like I imagine it does with almost every American family. The women slaving over a hot stove all day in the kitchen, men slumped lazily in the livingroom watching football. Goodness...I can't remember a time when the men of my family haven't been slumped lazily somewhere, while us women did all the work in the kitchen, and around the rest of the house. Which proves the old saying to be true, " A womans work is never done". Seems kind of unfair if you ask me...but it is what it is.  The heavenly smells and aromas that would come from the kitchen of my grandmothers house on Thanksgiving were out of this world! If I close my eyes really tight and try to remember, I can still almost smell them today. I remember how my grandmother would be covered in flour, kneeding dough while making her homemade rolls. Those rolls are amazing, a recipe I definately want to learn and have passed down to me. Memories of running through the kitchen and sticking my little fingers in the big bowl of creamy warm mashed potatoes, and trying not to get caught. Snatching deviled eggs off of the platter, which I don't know how...but she always knew when I was grabbing one and I would get busted. All my grandmother could do is laugh at me though, so it wasn't a huge deal.

Besides all the yummy food that was overtaking the kitchen, there was just this warm feeling of family togetherness everywhere you turned. My aunt Heidi would be home from college, which was a big deal for me. I so looked up to her as a kid, we are only 10 yrs apart, but having her home for the holidays was special. I loved to listen to her tell stories about her adventures at college, I would just sit there in awe..with my mouth hanging wide open. I remember that she had this beautiful piano downstairs in her room, and we would nag her to death trying to get her to go play us something. Normally we didn't have any luck, so we just tinkered on it ourselves. I imagine my grandmother had a pounding headache most of Thanksgiving, now when I look back on it. My grandfather who was a trucker would be home, and normally brought tons of candy since he hauled for Mars candy co.. Which what kid doesn't love candy, right? He wasn't a very affectionate type, but we still loved having him home anyway, and we knew he loved us. Other than that, it was just my mom, grandmother, my younger and only brother, and me!

We would finally get to sit down at the table to eat, and boy oh boy DID we eat! I know I would eat so much that I would literally get pretty sick, I would end up having to lay down most of the afternoon from a belly ache. I mean, turkey,potatoes,green bean casserole, sweet potato souffle, stuffing, deviled eggs, cranberry sauce, rolls, veggie tray, pumpkin pie, pecan pie, cherry pie, ice cream, and punch. I'm sure there was lots more food that I'm overlooking...just thinking about all of that gives me a belly ache.

The next day, began the day of turkey leftovers...that used to be my favorite. Having some turkey on my grandmothers homemade rolls w/ some miracle whip! Mmmm! That to me was almost better than the entire Thanksgiving dinner. The best part of that day was getting to put of the Christmas Tree! As a kid I thought that was such a big deal to be able to help decorate the tree, all the ornaments, that hideous silver crap called tinsel...but my favorite part was putting the angel on top of the tree, and then getting to be the one to plug in the lights. How beautiful the tree looked all decorated....from that day until Christmas Eve there was just a "magical" feeling all throughout our home. Warm, fuzzy feeling....Christmas Carols were playing on the record player..can you believe it?! Record player, yes vinyl not a cd! Lol! My favorites were Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, Frosty the Snowman and Rockin around The Christmas Tree. I still love those songs to this day. Where we lived we even got Christmas carolers, I haven't seen that done in forever. It might be nice to have someone come knock at our door to sing Christmas carols for us, I actually would like that. The most magical night of all was Christmas Eve though, I remember how my mom and grandmother would make my brother and I go to bed fairly early after having a nice big dinner. We laid out our plate of cookies and glass of milk for Santa and then off to bed. Only problem was, I could NEVER ever fall asleep on Christmas Eve as a kid. I would literally lay awake all night long, getting up and running back and forth to peek through the door at the Christmas tree..I wanted to see if Santa had come and dropped off our presents yet. Boy, how I must have driven my mom and grandmother crazy, Lol. I remember one year how my aunt Heidi, had gone outside and was ringing some sleigh bells to make us think that it was Santa and his reindeer coming and that we had better lay down and sleep or he wouldnt come down the chimney with our presents. That worked, at least that year. For the most part, Christmas Eve just was guaranteed to be a sleepless night for my brother and I. We waited until at least 4-5am before waking anyone up...but when we did we would make sure everyone was up. Banging pots and pans together and shouting...now I can understand why some parents beat their children! Lol! *joking*

All of these memories are so fresh in my head, as if they were just the other day. I can remember these candle holders that my grandmother had, the glass was frosted and the smell of the candles was heavenly! Smelled like berries of some sort....I remember the bowls of dyed pistachios, that we would eat until we couldn't eat another bite, and our little fingers would be so red from the dye. I remember cracking walnuts into this huge bowl so that my grandmother could make her famous chocloate chip cookies, laying under the Christmas tree and gazing up at the strands of lights and being just mesmerized , making ornaments for the tree out of big old pine cones that we got from the front yard. One of my favorite memories is curling up on the couch with my grandmother to watch the Christmas specials on tv. Oh how I loved those silly little shows, I believe that they were made using puppets. My favorites one had to be Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.

As a kid they seemed like pure magic! My grandmother always used to say "Lucky is one who sees Christmas Through the eyes of a Child". I so understand that now as an adult, and how right she was! What a treat it was to get a white Christmas too wasn't it? I believe I had 2 as a child, and oh how I loved to go outside and make the snow angels...but the best was always getting a big bowl of snow so that my grandmother could make my brother and I some snow cream. Snow cream on Christmas morning, what a treat!

Christmas today at our house is still very special for my mom, grandmother & I...but there's nothing like Christmas as a child. Decorating the tree isn't fun for me anymore, but I think that's basically due to my health, and the fact that I have the inability to use my fingers the way I should be able to. I love to watch it being decorated, which tonight actually...my mom and stepfather are going to be putting up and decorating our tree. This should be interesting to see..since last year I put the tree up, and weighted the base down with dumbells, so that our fur babies would not knock the entire tree over again like they had done a previous year. Somebody (stepfather) threw away the dumbells, so now there is nothing to weight the base of the tree down....kitty's are going to have a blast I can assure you. I am anxious to see what it looks like once it is put up and completely decorated...I just wish my mom liked to turn the lights on more often. She always complains about saving the bulbs..but whats the point of putting lights on the tree if you're only going to turn them on Christmas morning? A little Re-Donk if you ask me. The whole "decorating" thing around our house has gotten to feel like just a chore anymore anyway, it doesn't feel like something festive. The fun has disappeared, at least to me. One thing I do miss is going to Christmas Eve services at church...since that IS what Christmas is about to begin with. The candle lighting,the story of Jesus's birth, the nativity scene...it's just nice, and we just don't do it anymore. Maybe I'll try and find another way to go to a Christmas Eve service, I really do miss it. As for the rest of my mom & I, we still have our little Christmas traditions that we try to hang on tight to, and we are thankful that we have my grandmother here to share yet another Christmas. So let the cookie baking, present wrapping, eggnog and cider sipping go on, and I would like to take this time to wish everyone a Merry Christmas. I have NO problem in saying Merry Christmas, and for me Christmas is just not that one day it is the entire holiday season....so MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

 

My Personal Recipe For Disaster

When I first started this blog I have to admit I was kind of torn on wether or not to make this blog solely about me & my journey with multiple chronic illnesses or just simply make this a blog about me period. I obviously chose the latter.."ME", what else could I sit and ramble on about all day long? *giggles & bats eyelashes* There are so many blogs currently out there on the web about someones battle with "this" or this persons struggle with "that"....and I just really would prefer to make my blog unique, just like "MOI". So, you can never be too sure what you'll run across here, which I think makes it all the more interesting don't you? I mean, who wants to read the same thing over & over? NOT I said the little red hen..wait, that just popped into my head out of nowhere sorry..but didn't that come from a book alot of us read as kids?? *scrunches nose* Don't worry odd things pop into my head all the time, hence....My Blog! *Ta-Da!*

I do think however I will take at least this post to talk a little about my illnesses, just so people have a better sense of who I am and what I go through daily. I call this my personal "Recipe for Disaster", one is not so bad...but you put all of them together and it can't help but to go BOOM!

The BIGGEST one for me I guess out of them all I would have to say is my neuropathy, well it's called "peripheral neuropathy" or sometimes called "diabetic neuropathy"...I just call it PAIN. I have been "diagnosed" with it since 2007, but I can almost bet my butt that I had it years before that. I can remember how bad my feet would burn, oh my gosh how they would burn. I used to work alot on my feet, I have only had 1 or 2 jobs at a desk. So being up constantly up on my feet was like living a nightmare. It sometime feels like I have this wet piece of paper stuck to the bottom of my foot, but when I turn it over to look of course there's nothing there. To try and put a pair of socks on my feet is killer! Luckily my mom had run across these socks at Wally World (Walmart) over in the Foot Care section by pharmacy, that are supposedly infused with aloe. They could be infused with anything as far as I'm concerned, all I know is they feel heavenly against my skin. They are so soft, and it doesn't hurt when they brush my skin...like a regular cotton sock would. Just imagine people how that would feel to not be able to have even your bed sheets touch the skin of your feet without yelping in pain...it sucks! I haven't worn an actual pair of shoes, real shoes in over a year. Honest! When I go out to the doctors office, grocery shopping, or out to eat somewhere you will look down and find me in a pair of fuzzy slippers, probably some bright funky color too! *cracks up laughing* Yeah I get the looks and the stares but that's ok because I can stare back just as good as they can, and if they make a rude comment well...that's what God gave me my mouth for, to use it right?! I can just picture my mom in my head right now...cringing, and yanking me by the arm through the store because she knows that I'm about to say something smart to someone. Well, dammit they made the rude insensitive remark first. How about they sit back and think first that maybe that person wearing those bright fuzzy slippers might have a damn good reason for doing so! You know? I can remember times, before I found this neurologist that I have now..I would lay in bed and scream the pain was so bad. I'm not joking when I say scream either, I mean blood curdling screams...to the point where my mom would have to come in and rock me like a little child. That's how upset I had gotten myself, out of shear pain and panic. I just had reached my limit, I do not have a very high threshold...and I was way over that threshold then. Sometimes I would sit in the recliner & just rock all night long, because the pain wouldn't allow me to sleep..there's just something about rocking that is soothing. Does anyone else agree? I bet someone does. Oh, then there were the shower incidents! OMG! Sometimes I would have to go several days without a shower because just the water running across my foot was agonizing. These things might seem hard to believe for some people, but honey let me tell you...this crap couldn't be any more real! You would think that a hot bath or shower would help to aleviate someones pain, not this chick. It literally felt like little knives were slicing thru my skin as the water ran across my foot...oh I'm so glad this neurologist that I see now has my pain "managed" finally. I had spent over a year with a quack at a pain management clinic who I will do a whole blog about, because that's another story entirely. Anyway, after seeing her that long I was a mess....my pain was out of control, all I was doing was chasing the pain anyway, plus she had me on a medicine that I repeatedly told her was making me sick! UGH! Ok, my neuro listens...I mean he really listens. He ran tons of bloodwork, did the MRI's, CAT scans, EMG's, and finally he put me on 30mg ms contin every 8 hrs. The Ms Contin is extended release which I didn't think would work, but honey it is working! Plus he started me on Topomax for my migraines, which for some odd reason is helping me with pain & taking away my appetite! YAY! So between the Ms Contin, and the 30mg tramadol I take three times a day also I am G-R-E-A-T! The tramadol basically is for breakthrough pain, alot of times I don't even need it.

Anyway, I also am a FIBROMITE. YES, I am yet another that battles this nasty illness that has no cure. I was "diagnosed" or better yet, told that I had fibromyalgia around 2009 I think? I don't quite remember, I didn't even know what in the world it was when the doctor even suggested that I could possibly have this. I remember how he checked all the pinpoint locations on my body and asked me loads of questions but other than that there is no official test yet for fibro. Personally I think that can be a very bad thing, NO that IS a very bad thing. Think about it this way...that is probably why alot, and I mean alot, quite frankly the majority of people get denied their disability if it is based on fibro. They're basically looking at people and saying that anyone can say that they hurt at these specific "key points" and then claim to have fibromyalgia. In a way I can understand their reasoning, but then again I AM a fibromyalgia sufferer so I think that it is unfair. I so wish that there was some sort of testing that could give a more accurate diagnosis, at least for those of us who are relying on getting disability right? I thank God that I did get approved for disability, I have been on it since 2008. Believe me, it's NOT much...and I find it quite offensive that our nations government thinks that someone can live or survive off of what we collect. Don't get me started down this road, because I could go on and on about what I personally witness at "my" local social services office, or food banks, etc. ALl I am saying is take care of your's first America! Ok enough said, *giggles* when it comes to my fibro, I am still learning what IS or ISN'T a symptom of fibro. Sometimes I get confused between my fibro symptoms verses the neuropathy symptoms...they have some similar ones. I know with me personally, I find most of my fibro pain is in my upper shoulders. I have had alot of trouble with aching and an almost cramping like pain. It bothers me most normally in the wee hours of the morning when I am usually deep in sleep, oops...thanks to fibro I am then wide awake. It'll make it to where I can't get comfortable, I flop from side to side, front to back and finally just giving up and I'll get up. Another thing that I don't know if it's fibro related or not is that, whenever my hands get put in water...afterwards they will turn ice cold. I mean ICE cold, so bad that I have to wear gloves around the house on a daily basis. Not only do they just get ice cold, but they will cramp up so bad and get so stiff that I can barely even open my fingers. That to tell you the truth kind of scares me, I know I have osteosathritis in my feet and hands...but I don't believe that is what's causing this to happen. I have mentioned this to all my doctors and so far not one of them seems to know what the cause could be. I'm the funny looking chick out there in the summer, my goodness...wearing bright fuzzy slippers and gloves, in the heat of the summer. It really is awful what we have to go through..those of us who battle with chronic illness. This life isn't one I would wish on anyone, NOT even my worst enemies. I am still not used to all the discrimination, I mean I talk a good game, I'll mouth off if someone makes a rude comment or something along those lines...but deep down inside, peoples looks,stares and gestures really do hurt. I never once imagined when I was younger that at 35 years old I would need to use the electric scooters in the stores, because I wouldn't be able to feel my feet enough to walk. Or that I have fainting and dizzy spells so often, that it isn't safe for me to walk around really. I try to walk as much as I can, just because I need the exercise, and I want to move. I just would love to get out there and walk until I couldn't walk anymore! Ha! I'd probably only make it up to my mailbox! *tee hee*


You know another struggle that I deal with everyday? This type 2 diabetes! I'll tell you it's horrible! I know that I need to stay away from the foods that are high in carbs or sugars, try and eat more lean meats and lots of veggies..and eat fresh fruit. I know all of this, so then why in the world do I not do it then?! I know I'm FAT and need to loose weight desperately, but yet I still refuse to eat the way I am supposed to. It is honestly like I am secretly trying to sabatoge myself! I always use the same excuse over and over too, at first I didn't believe it, but now I have even made MYSELF believe this nonsense. I will eat say a handful of chocolate or something like a bag of chips, and I will come out and say that I have no enjoyment in my life,so if this makes me happy just let me do it dammit! This is what I'll say to my mom when she'll get on me about the sugar intake, after I have told her..."whatever it takes, do NOT buy me anymore chocolate. No matter what I tell you, don't do it". Then a 1/2 an hour later I'm asking her to pick me up a bag of M&M'S! UGH! What is wrong w/ me?! Why am I doing this to myself?! I know I am diabetic and this is dangerous but I can't stop! I know that I am a recovering drug addict, YES people WOO HOO surprise I used to have a substance abuse problem. It's almost like I traded in one drug for this, like I turned away the coccaine for sweets. Now sweets are my drug of choice that I cannot say no to or stop myself from eating. I am such a messed up individual! I know when I go on these chocolate binges that it definately has to irritate my neuropathy, and I wouldn't be surprised if it irritated my fibro too. I am just slowly killing myself aren't I? You know what I wish? I wish that I had a buddy that lived out here where I live, that could exercise daily with me. Maybe I could get a membership to a gym or something, but having no license, no car...presents a problam. Cannot drive with nerve damage in  my feet so let license go ;-(  So having a friend w/ a car would definately be a plus, but I really would love to not only have that friend with the car, I would love to find a friend that lived close that struggled with weight like I do, that could be that "get up & go get 'em" person I need around me. You know, that friend that wouldn't let me talk my way out of going to the gym, or who I could call no matter what time it was..when I'm sitting in my bedroom drooling & playing Russian Roulette with a Snickers, "Do I eat it, Do I Not eat it" Ok so I ate it! I didn't have "that" friend, so there! That would just be nice for me to have, I have a great friend named Tina, who has been a great support to me and makes me feel positive about myself..only thing is she lives in another state, actually a couple states away. Otherwise I'd kidnap her & I'd be perfect! *warm hugs for Tina...aw <3 *


So lets see, besides my neuropathy, my fibro, my type 2 diabetes, I have osteoarthritis...that only bothers me when my feet get really cold. Then I can't seem to even wiggle my toes at all. My primary physician discovered that I have a problem w/ my thyroid so I am on medication for that and between that and my migraine medication Topomax I am shedding pounds but not as fast as I'd like. Oh I almost forgot...I sometimes unfortunately suffer from this crap that doctors like to call dystonic reactions. I have had them twice due to medications I was given that my body did not react nicely to at all, and 3 more times at home I experienced them just out of the blue and my doctors can still not figure out why. So nice when even your doctors don't know what in the hells wrong with you isn't it? My muscles basically lock up, and some of them go into almost like convulsions. I look like I'm having almost like a seizure, only it's not a seizure. Pretty picture right? EHHHHH! NOT!  I have this thingy with my heart called Hypertrophic Cardiomyopathy. Basically so you can understand it, theres parts of my hearts muscle that are thicker than they should be, and my left ventricle is also thicker and moderately impaired. So, it can sometimes mess around a little with my hearts electrical signals and stuff....but NOT to worry I'm here to stay and NOT going anywhere. I know my estranged husband if he's reading this probably just spit his coffee out all over his morning paper, YES DEAR I'm alive, and tickin'! Roflmao. Other than that, the only other health issue that I am dealing with is a condition known as PCOS. Polycystic ovary syndrome, basically that is why I'm not a mommy. :-(  Many, many women deal with this health issue so it is good to know that I am not the only one. It's a HUGE cause of infertility in women and it's a very hard subject for me to get into, because I have always wanted to be a mother more than anything...but that's another topic,for another day. Last but not least...I have bipolar disorder type 1. I never like to say I AM bipolar, because bipolar does NOT define me, it is just something that I struggle with just like all the other things I deal with. PTSD also was diagnosed around the same time that I was diagnosed as having bipolar disorder...and later on throughout my posts, you will come to learn more about how and why I suffer with PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder).

Goodness have I bored anyone yet?!
Toodles

Took Me Long Enough

I have literally been sitting here all day thinking about how I was going to write this particular post, what I was going to say ....until I have actually given myself a bit of a headache. I always sit back and watch groups of women at the mall, a couple of friends who are out to grab a bite to eat, girlfriends catching a movie, and I would get SO jealous I couldn't stand it! I didn't think it was fair that someone could share a friendship like that, share such a closeness with another person....because I NEVER have. I was always that girl in school who sat by herself at lunch because I didn't have a friend. I was never popular, in fact I was pretty much invisible. I was "THAT" girl that would sit at home on the weekends, while everyone else was at the mall, or football games...because I didn't have a friend to go anywhere with. I would watch these girls my age, how they would laugh and joke around with each other...how they would tell each other " I love You" like it was easy as pie. They'd walk hand in hand, or hug each other when one of their girlfriends seemed a bit down. Can you believe I have never had anyone but family hug me? "Truth be told" While all I could do was just sit back and watch, and desperately wish for a friend of my own. I always wanted a friend that I could have a closeness to, someone that I could talk to just about anything. Someone that I could be myself with, that would accept me for who I am and wouldn't care about my flaws. I"ve always had a problem when it came to meeting people, mostly because I felt that if "I" didn't like what I saw on the outside, or inside for that matter...why would anybody else. I had a few so called "friends" throughout my school years, but it never really left the classroom sadly. In my adult life, any friendship that I had...wasn't a friendship at all. It was nothing more than me getting used for something I had that someone else needed. A place to stay, my car, I think you can get the picture. I blame alot of my past issues & problems w/ substance abuse on the fact that I was a VERY needy individual. I would have done just about anything to gain what I thought was the love of a friend. We all know that this story always has a bad ending don't we? YES! I've been used,abused, and confused more times than I even care to remember. Loneliness is not just a feeling people, loneliness is an actual place. Once you get there it is very difficult to leave. I've spent many many years in that place called loneliness, and I am just now seeing a beacon of light at the end of one very dark tunnel. I have spent loads of time on these social networking sights like Myspace,Facebook,Twitter. We all know how they work, and if you don't trust me you're probably better off honestly. I've chatted and talked with loads of people from all over the world, people that shared alot of my same interests or people that were as different to me as night was to day. I've learned alot too about all the different places I could only hope to be able to travel to one day. Mostly though, these sites can tend to be just one big waste of time...that is unless you find "support groups" like I have on both Twitter and Facebook. There are support groups for almost everything imaginable on these sites, you wouldn't believe it. I mean, you have to be really careful and use EXTREME caution when dealing with people at first, because you never truly know who in the world you are actually talking to. You could think that you were talking to a nice elderly woman, and you could possibly be talking to an inmate at a state prison. Which is why I try and talk to someone in a group setting for the longest, before I'll actually even consider emailing privately back and forth. You'll have to excuse me, I'm sitting here laughing at myself over what I had just said. That whole "talking to someone in a group setting" first before emailing privately, blah blah blah...yeah that one. I'm laughing because oddly enough, for me just once I didn't stick to my guns so to speak. I am so thankful that I didn't too!!!! Let me explain why.....
I had been using twitter for awhile then, and had met..when I say met I mean I had been talking to, not actually, physically meeting anyone. Ok? Are we clear? Kapeesh? So, I had met a few people that also live everyday with chronic illness like myself. That's a blessing let me tell you, to be able to connect with someone that understands your pain, your frustration, and someone that can compare notes with you. There are alot of things that I didn't know about my illnesses before I started using Twitter, but I was able to learn through talking with so many other women. Men too! I don't know why I was always under the misconception that one of my illnesses was only female related, ignorance is what it was. It was interesting to listen and learn how these illnesses affected everyone elses lives....through talking to people you can't help but to start building some sort of a "friendship" so to speak. You talked to each other almost daily, you emailed one another...and if you didn't hear from someone it was just like missing a friend I imagine. I imagine only because I have never truly had a friend to miss in the first place..I know I'm sorry I am so depressing. I promise this is about to get better, it does have a happy ending!  Well, one of these people that I happened to be talking to was a woman who was just "sailing across the waters" as she liked to put it. I don't know how to explain it other than by saying that we "connected" pretty quickly.  She has a strong belief in God just like I do, she was an animal lover..which anyone that knows me (previous post, HELLO!!!!!) knows that I live & breathe animals. Least important was that she also was affected by chronic illness, which did NOT define her at all as a person, it just gave us one more thing which we shared in common and could relate to each other on. We just ended up talking back and forth alot, finally exchanging telephone numbers. I KNOW RIGHT!!! CAUTION!!!STOP!!!! It wasn't like that though, I didn't feel the least bit uneasy about giving her my number at all. Funny thing was though, she always left it up to me as to when to actually make that 1st phone call. You have to admit, even if you actually get to "physically" meet a person, I think the 1st time you talk on the phone can tend to be awkward. Don't ask me why, that's just the way it is. Well, me being a big chicken...being very insecure (YES, still am but trying to work on it ok?) I wasn't ready to call her at all, so all I did for the longest it seemed was text message her every now and then. This is starting to sound like some horrible dating story gone wrong! LOL! Anyway, I finally got up the nerve to call her one night..and it was like we had known each other for years! I didn't feel any of that insecure nervous energy that I did before, I just felt like it was a friend I talked to everyday. Her & I also like to send each other cards or letters back and forth, we haven't been doing it long at all...but to me there's just something more personal about snail mail. I love to go to the mailbox and find a letter in it addressed to me, who doesn't right?!  Point of this long drawn out story is....I finally feel that I have a TRUE FRIEND! This may seem silly to those of you reading this, but to me who was once "THAT" girl who never had friends, this is a big deal. I have opened up to her about things that I haven't told anyone else, and I am not one that easily opens up about my "personal" business. I was surprised at myself for even doing this blog, that's how much I keep stuff shut up inside.  For once I feel like there's someone I can call if I'm having a bad day, or I feel like crying. Funny, but I know she'll be there. While I hope to meet her one day, that doesn't mean that I think of our friendship as being different than that of someone who might live just right down the road. I really don't think it's any different than two friends who happen to live in different states, that call or write one another until they get a chance to visit. Right? I believe in God, I believe in prayer, I believe that God listens and answers prayer...and I believe that he answered mine. While it might seem like a small thing to anyone else, in 35 yrs of life..I have NEVER until now known what having a true friend was actually like.  I just am grateful for what I do have, and I want to say
TINA, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING MY FRIEND! YOU MENDED THAT BROKEN HEART OF THAT LITTLE GIRL DEEP INSIDE OF ME, THAT LITTLE GIRL WHO NEVER KNEW WHAT IT WAS LIKE TO HAVE A FRIEND.
Lets make a toast to our friendship, and to all the laughs we'll have, and the memories that we'll make.



Here's my dear friend herself, isn't she adorable?

The Cats Meow

There's nothing that I love to talk about more than my cats, well other than myself. *giggles* I promise I will spare all of you from that at least for this post...I laid in bed last night thinking about how cute it might be if I could introduce my readers to my "fur babies". Afterall, something that I love SO much, it would only be fair of me to give you all a glimpse right?  I only say "glimpse" because you can't actually be here to see these adorable little balls of fluff in person. *hugs arms around self tightly & smiles* I know if you could, you would instantly fall head over heels in L-O-V-E!

This kitty here is our Bella. Who we also "lovingly" refer to as...Fatness, Bee-looga, Kitty Cow, Mooch or at times " The kitty that's gonna pop" LOL! I admit, she's my favorite but ssshhh! Don't let the other kitty's know! If it wasn't for mealtimes or bedtime, you probably wouldn't even know she was there at all. All she does is eat, poop & sleep I'm serious! The eating part has gotten to be a bit out of control though, she has a habit of pushing our other kittys outta the way to lick their bowls clean too...her massive ASS wouldn't happen to have anything at all to do w/how easily she runs them off at all now would it? NAH! As if that isn't enough for her, she will literally sit at the table & beg like a dog! NO joke, she sits up on her hind legs and does that cute paw thing just like a dog. I SO wish I had a pic of that right now! We have figured out that the only things she WON'T eat are lettuce & grapes. She has eaten onions, peas...all kinds of things. She's our garbage disposal since our kitchen sink doesn't have one I guess, oh no that was mean. "Mommy's sorry Bella" *sad face* Other than the whole needing to go on a kitty diet thing, she is the sweetest cat ever. She loves affection, loves to cuddle up with you in bed..and she does this strange "kneeding" thing too. Her 2 other sisters do the same thing. Huh, someone said it's because they were taken from their mother way too young. Aw, that's horrible! ;-(  So other than her overeating & sleeping, that's basically all she does all day. Occasionally you'll see her zip through the house, but you almost have to shake your head & wonder if you're seeing things.

This little lady is our Misha, she is litter mate to Bella & one other kitty of ours. She is 3 years old already..it's amazing how times has gone by so fast already, thank goodness they still have that "kitty cuteness" or that playful rambuncious energy. She is definately my stepfathers cat all the way..ugh, that is gross in itself. *sticks finger down throat & gags* She follows him around faithfully...ok ok so it is cute, I admitted it, but don't tell him I said that. Mischa is our "little lady" of the bunch, she is very ladylike in everything she does. From the way she walks, to the way she grooms herself...even to the way she uses her litterbox. Honest! Not that I'm accustomed to talking about cats & their litterboxes, but she is so funny. She has this whole "process" she does, wiping her feet before and after, if you happen to look at her she will bow her head as if she's embaressed..wait, can cat's even get embaressed? Wow! Maybe they really can! That would be interesting wouldn't it? Anyway, but she does..she'll turn away, she tip toes around the box, it's just too comical. She isn't one that likes to be held, in fact none of ours but one is actually. She'll let you pet her or brush her, but if you get anywhere near her face..well she's not having it. Except when my stepfather is concerned. You should hear him and the way he talks to her when he lays in there on the bed with her at night, it's comical. OH I almost forgot, she does the cutest thing! There is this little sparkly ball we bought her awhile back, it has silver tinsel looking stuff all over it, it's really tiny. Well, she carries it around in her mouth & somehow while doing this she makes these most pitiful sounding cries. She'll wander all over the house doing this for hours, and when she's done she faithfully will hide her little ball in my slipper. It never fails. It's almost as if she thinks it's her baby or something, we are stumped as to why she does this but it's definately a Misha original!

This is our Mya, who we call My-My most of the time, but sometimes we call her little one or our little runt because she's the smallest of the 3 sisters. This little girl is the last of our litter mates, so it's Bella, Misha and our little girl My-My here. We actually got all three of them from our local Pet Smart, they happened to have an adoption fair going on within the store one day, and my parents noticed Misha 1st..well my stepfather did. He claims to this day that she picked him, that she needed her daddy. Cute right? Anyhow, Misha happened to be sharing a cage with Mya here & so they agreed to get the two of them..but it just so happened that a couple of cages down was their litter mate Bella, and well my mom being just like me, could not seperate a family and they had to end up bringing all 3 of the sisters home. Funny thing too, when Bella was brought home she happened to be the tiniest out of the sisters...boy oh boy is it amazing how things have changed! LOL!  My-My was a very scared and withdrawn kitty when we 1st brought her home, but today she's a very different kitty. This little girl is VERY busy all day long, flying from one end of the house to the other...tail flying high in the air. I have never seen such a big fluffy tail on a little cat! *giggles* She is fascinated now by our kitchen sink water filter, she seems to think that is where she must have her drinking water from...that her water bowl is no longer good enough, or the 4 other water bowls around the house either, geesh! *winks* My-My does the cutest thing ever, remember that "kneading" thing I told you Bella does? Yep, well this little cutie does the same exact thing only she suckles the corner of the blanket. Ugh! I about melted to pieces when I 1st saw her doing that, I have a short video clip of her doing that...if I can figure out how to post it, I will for all you to see.

This last kitty is our kitty Jinx, who is appropriately named...BELIEVE ME! *eyes bulging* As you can see in the pic, she loves to take piggyback rides all over the house, especially on my poor moms back..who just wouldn't smile for the camera in this picture, but believe me I'll get one of her! *evil laugh*  This kitty obviously looks nothing like our other 3 because well, she isn't from the same litter or even anywhere close. The other three are Maine Coon mixed w/ something else..I don't know, but our little Jinxy here is just a littly tabby. We "lovingly" refer to her ALL the time as BAD ASS, Jinkles, Jinxy Butt. If something falls, breaks or goes wrong you can almost guarantee that Jinx was somewhere close or somehow responsible, LOL! This cat is my "moms" cat as she all too often likes to point out, mostly when she gets jealous of the fact that Jinx is showing me more attention at the moment. Hey! It's NOT my fault I had a bag of treats hidden under the damn blanket! *winks*  We happened to just go into our local Humaine Society one day with NO intention on getting a cat that day, at least that's what I had told my mom to get her to agree on going in. We had just lost our cat Yawler, who we had had for close to 18 years. Yawler meant the world to my parents and to me...and I knew that it would help them both if we got another cat or two (never imagined that we would get 4!) with easing their grieving process. While we were just looking, this little tiny thing happened to reach her paw out and grab ahold of my moms purse strap, so of course my mom had to ask to hold that particular kitten. THAT WAS IT! She was done..hook, line and sinker! Jinx licked moms face all over, nibbled on her ears...all my mom could do was cry..we ended up bringing her home the next day. Since then, it has been pure chaos...but we wouldn't change a thing. let's see, what can I tell you about Jinx that makes her well...Jinx. Ok....Jinx has this oddly strange fascination with music. anytime I happen to be listening to my MP3 player, or even if I am singing out loud (which by the way, that might be how my window cracked) she will come running up to me and do this strange "rub, lick" thing. She'll rub the entire length of her little body from head to tail across my face...normally ending with her sticking her hoo-ha dead in my face (which is quite nasty) and then turn right around and wanna give me kisses. It's just something about music that fascinates her, and it causes her to purr like crazy..I wish I had a way to video tape her doing it. It is the cutest thing you'll ever see I can assure you! Let's see..something else that makes Jinx, well Jinx....have you noticed Jinx's section happens to be alot longer than the other 3 kittys? It just is because Jinx is the kitty with the most personality, well in my opinion at least. She's the smallest of the 4, but in that teeny weeny little body of hers...is lots of personality! Like right now I'm sitting her typing this, she's sitting in the windowsill doing this "chattering" thing. She does this when she sees birdies outside, I even am starting to think it's "one particular" bird. We have this one particular bird who every morning comes and sits on my moms car mirrors and looks at himself...I guess it's just one really VAIN bird, who knows, LOL...but he comes at the same time every morning & you can count on Jinx to be perched on the windowsill chattering away. It's like she thinks she's holding a conversation..that or she's telling the birdie how lucky he is that he's on the other side of that glass, because she's hungry and hasn't had breakfast yet. Who knows what cats think, or why they do the things that they do..I would kill for a minute inside a cats head. They are truly awesome animals dontcha think?  Thank God she's stopped (for now) but for awhile we were having a problem with her turning on our water filter on the kitchen sink. YES! You read that right, turning on the water filter! She would turn it on & play in the water, mostly at night while we were sleeping or early morning...lots of mornings I would get up and the counters would be soaked and here Jinx would be sitting there with this "not me" look on her face. OH she's LUCKY she's so cute! We had to try and tie it up with rubber bands, bread ties...you name it. Seems like she's lost interest for now, so I'm almost scared to thhink of what she'll find to get into next. She's also strangely fascinated with looking at herself in the mirror. We'll catch her just staring at herself, and it's so funny because I actually think that she thinks there's another kitty on the other side of that glass. It's just really cute to sit and watch the things that your cats do isn't it?

Well most of you probably have jobs, and work all day...but I'm on disability so I have nothing but time to sit around and look at nothing but pointless and crazy things all day. You'd be surprised what you notice when you actually have the time to sit down and look.....

Just because I still feel her near me, because I hold her in my heart & I will NEVER forget her I want to just take a little part of this to post a picture of our kitty who passed away awhile back....

It's only fair to honor her memory, afterall I'm talking about our 4 kittys we have now..how can I NOT talk about her? This was our precious kitty "YAWLER" who we sometimes called Pooter Butt, Mouth. She was so unlike any cat I had ever had before, she was part Siamese (her mother was purebred Siamese) which in turn made her VERY vocal, LOL! I can still here her now when I stop to think about her, she had so many different "tones" I guess you would call them. It was like she would answer you when you talked to her, she had a meow for everything. The ones I remember the most were the ones that were outside my bedroom door at 4am! LOL! Trying to tell me I had better get up, because she was ready to eat. I remember how we found her almost like it was yesterday too, it was somewhere around September or October and my brother & I were out playing in our lower field, but we kept hearing these meows coming from the woodpile. The thing that struck me funny was how the meow didn't match this teeny little white kitten who poked her head out from under a piece of wood...sorry my mind drew a blank, couldn't think of what the pieces of wood in a wood pile are called. Don't you hate that? We found not only her,but her brother & mother too. We later ended up giving her mother away after she ended up leading the little boy kitty we had named Milo across the street where he ended up getting hit and killed by a car. We buried poor little Milo boy and decided we didn't want to take any chance with this girl, so we ended up making her an indoor cat. That my friends is how we came to know & love our "Yawler". We fortunately were blessed to have been able to share almost 18 long years with this special girl, the unfortunate part being that God called her home to sit at his feet a few days before Christmas 2008. While it was a VERY difficult time, emotionally devistating and heart wrenching experience..... I know now, that the old girl was just too tired and wanted to rest.

So I will just end this by saying, on DECEMBER 16, 2008 WE LOST OUR BEST FRIEND YAWLER. SHE WILL ALWAYS BE REMEMBERED AND HER MEMORY WILL LIVE ON IN OUR HEARTS FOREVER.

Fall Fall The Best Season Of Them All!

I cannot tell you how much I love autumn! It has been my absolute favorite season for as long as I can remember....
There are so many special memories that I relate to the fall season, this time of year is just plain nostalgic for me. I can remember as a kid the hours after hours that I would play outside in those big humungous piles of raked leaves...you know, the ones us kids would work all day long to rake and then in a split second FLOP!!!!! Right into the pile of leaves! I can still hear my grandfather yelling at the back door that we were doing nothing but making a mess, but hell that's what kids are supposed to do right?! LOL! There was nothing better than making forts in those leaves, or while playing outside all day just being able to pick a fresh apple off of the trees when you were hungry. The smells of the chimney burning, that was what let us kids know that it was almost time for us to come inside...but honestly we didn't care too much. My grandmother always had some hot apple cider to warm our cold little butts up! Agh, those were definately the days.
Then there was Halloween, that was definately such a BIG event for my brother and I as kids. I remember back then going and picking out costumes at what used to be called Peoples Drug Store. Does anyone else remember that? They had the best soda fountains ever! I loved there chocolate milkshakes, oops! Ok, sorry I'm getting off track here! LOL! I used to always get something like Barbie or Strawberry Shortcake, and I remember that the costumes were always made out of this cheap shower curtain like plastic. When you'd put the mask on, you could hardly breathe at all and trying to see through the eye holes was a completely different story! Ha-Ha. I would be so anxious to get out there and go trick or treating, I just couldn't wait...I'd watch out the window and see other kids already walking up and down the street and it just seemed so unfair that I was still inside. How dare my mother make sure that I ate a well balanced nutricious dinner before I went out to get bags and bags full of candy, that would eventually end up rotting my teeth. The nerve! LOL!  When I finally did go out it was pitch black, but hey..with that darn mask on it was pitch black anyway. Those things shoulda been illegal, I'm sure they were a hazard to kids...I mean we couldn't see where we were walking at all. On top of that we could hardly breath at all, I was sweating like a poor little pig! The important thing was I guess that I came back w/ bags full of candy right?  Oh oh oh, do you remember the cheesey haunted houses that when you were walking out the exit they always had that damn guy there with the chainsaw? UGH! They scared me to death as a kid but now I look back, and boy they were cheesey! LOL!
Leaves,apples,hay rides, trick or treating, smells of pumpkin bread & apple cider, a warm snug quilt...No matter what your reasons, Autumn will always HANDS DOWN be my FAVORITE season ever!